


Maintaining Appearances

by cruelest_month



Series: Eddie and The Joker [4]
Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Watchmen - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Bad Decisions, Crossover Pairings, M/M, Wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-18
Updated: 2012-02-18
Packaged: 2017-10-31 10:02:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/342762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cruelest_month/pseuds/cruelest_month
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Comedian and the Joker run into Batman. Unsurprisingly that sort of ruins everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maintaining Appearances

The Joker can and will fall asleep anywhere. Half of the time when they meet up, he’s sleeping on a bench somewhere or in an old boxcar. Sometimes there’s animals and sometimes there isn’t. When there are animals, Eddie ends up having to wound one or two to get them to stop attacking him. They don’t know any better and so Eddie tries not to kill them. They’re always half-starved almost feral mutts. It’s a waste of bullets and a waste of time. 

Tonight there’s three and one of them is ghost white with odd mismatched eyes. That one in particular is out for blood. He comes pretty close to breaking its neck before it whines pitifully and lopes off to another section of the roof. 

“I don’t know why the fuck I bother.”

“Oh, they’re just having a good time,” the Joker insists. “They just want to play with you.”

“Like they did with whatever poor bastards you fed to them?”

“Prostitutes this time. Too cheap for them, I suppose.”

Prostitutes. Great. Eddie doesn’t ask and he wonders if the footage from butchering them will end up on some of his DVDs or VHS tapes again. He won’t know until he forces the Joker to watch a movie with him again. “Anybody I know?”

“Oh, it’s possible. You wouldn’t recognize them now, of course.”

“Well, that goes without saying.” 

On some level, Eddie knows he ought to care. Not because he even remembers the names of the whores of Gotham he takes home when he’s in the mood, but because a good guy ought to mind that people he fucks end up dying and turned into Purina puppy chow. He’s okay with it though. It doesn’t mean much to him. It doesn’t mean he likes the dogs any, but it doesn’t mean he cares.

The Joker just looks pleased with himself. For once he’s not wearing much make up, so when he kisses Eddie, he gets a few seconds of tongue before getting shoved aside. 

“Oh come on,” he whines. "Come on, Eddie. Let it go for once."

"Just get the makeup off.”

The Joker rolls his eyes and disappeared into the building. He returns about a handful of minutes later with his hair and face dripping water all over the ugly cement roof. The white stuff’s gone and the red is too and the black’s dripping down from his eyes. Eddie knows he can push him to go back inside, but the chances of the Joker coming back out are virtually non-existent. Not if he’s been killing prostitutes again. 

So Eddie takes what he can get as long as the Joker doesn’t expect to be thanked for the minimal effort he puts into fixing up his appearance. He wipes at the other man’s face, getting rid of some of the inky black makeup, and then kisses him properly. “Committed any other crimes I should know about?”

“Blew up a bridge. There were very few casualties. I’m suffering from a creative block,” he confessed with a rueful smile. It’s not a very sincere smile. Once they move further along with their evening plans, Eddie’s pretty sure the other man will just be miserable for a while. He’s used to it though. He doesn’t even mind much. It’s not exactly surprising that the Joker has mood swings.

“Rough week, huh?” Eddie considers kissing him again as he unbuttons the Joker’s vest, but he notices a flash of black first and ends up punching him in the face.

 

The dogs are barking by that point and the white howls. The Joker looks a little confused, but recovers himself enough to laugh. “And there he is. The Batman.”

Eddie doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want to laugh. He wants to punch Batman in the face and get back to what he was doing. The last thing he wants is to have to take the Joker to Arkham like this. 

But it’s sort of his job. So Eddie shrugs an apology before grabbing the other man’s wrist and glancing around. “Jesus, Batman, get a life, will ya? If I need your help I shine a flashlight.”

Batman makes short work of the dogs and glowers at both of them. The Joker just looks amused, but moves back a little so he’s mostly behind Eddie. 

“I’m taking him in. Right now.”

Eddie scowls. “What the hell’s the difference? I got him first.” Sure, he’s got to take the Joker in, but he figures he could enjoy half an hour of the other man’s time before doing that if the Batman takes a hike. 

“It’s my city and we talked about this.”

“Uh huh. Because killing people is only something that effects you, right?”

The Joker glances over at Batman and chuckles. “As entertaining as you boys are, I could always pick one of you. What about a quick round of eeny, meeny, miny moe? That seems fair to me.”

“What are you doing here anyway?” Batman asks.

“Well, I—”

“Not you,” he rasps and stares at the Comedian. “What are you doing here?” 

Eddie hates that voice so goddamn much. “I’m here because you’re too slow. As usual.”

“Every time you take him in, he gets out about four days later. On average.”

“Every time you take him in, he gets out about the same time. Jesus, if you’re so concerned about him fucking up, maybe you should try a better method than dumping him somewhere.”

Arkham—”

“Is a joke. You know it, I know it and he sure as hell spends enough time laughing about it.”

“He has a point,” the Joker says in a truly obnoxious singsong voice. Eddie wishes he had more sense. If he did, he’d actually try to leave instead of happily standing there and watching. “What about torture? I would probably feel more discouraged to break the law if I got hit every now and again. Or you could just break one leg. I’d be a lot less mobile.”

The Batman eyes him coldly before shaking his head dismissively. 

“Both maybe? Then I’d have to use a wheelchair to cause mischief.”

Eddie sighs. “See? Even he’s got better ideas.” 

“How did you even find him?” 

“We met up here,” the Joker says and Eddie controls the impulse to punch him again. “To have sex. You see, Eddie’s been—” 

So much for the impulse. The Joker giggles even after his nose starts bleeding, and Eddie wants to throttle him. He just knows in a few weeks, the Joker will wax nostalgic about this. 

“Aw, why are you so shy about it? He probably already knows.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie growls out, hitting the Joker again. And again. He slings him over his shoulder once he’s out. It won’t last long, but it at least establishes who exactly is bringing whom in for a pointless stint in Arkham. 

“I’ve had a long day already, Batman, and I have the situation completely under control. As for locating him, I have my methods. I don’t see why I have to tell you what they are. If it makes you feel better, none of them involve a bat-catapult or any other pieces of trademark bat-crap you happen to have lying around.” 

“That isn’t the point.”

“How about the point being I’m making your life a little easier this week by helping you out with a dangerous criminal who smiles too much? Can’t you just pretend to be normal and thank me already? You have about eighty bad guys. Fuck off and go apprehend Crazy Quilt or something if you’re so goddamn worried.”

“This time, but if this keeps happening—”

“If this keeps happening, you can thank me and fuck off same as always. I don’t see what the problem is. Learn to share.” 

“Next time, I’m taking him in.”

“Why is there always a next time with you?” Eddie asks. “Look, you and him can get married next time for all I care. In the mean time, go away.”

He finally leaves and Eddie wants to break someone’s face real bad. Not the Joker’s face, but someone else’s. Instead, he heads back towards the building, cursing under his breath. 

“You would care,” the Joker groggily points out once he’s on the third or fourth stair well. 

Eddie likes it better when they meet at his place, but abandoned buildings are all over Gotham and sometimes the change of scene is nice. He doesn’t want to do it again though. Next time, they’re meeting at his place. Batman never leaves Gotham and would probably have a heart attack if he learned that sometimes the Joker did. “Hm?”

“If I married Batman.”

“Well, he’s about as likely to marry you as anyone else.”

“For a change of pace… I don’t know. Maybe you could try being nice.”

Eddie sighs and sets him down, eying the nose thoughtfully. It’s probably not broken. He doesn’t say or do much just lets the other man kiss him for a bit before biting at his throat. 

“Can’t you just forget to take me in?”

“After that big fucking song and dance number out there? No way. I have to take you in or he’ll be riding my ass for the next two weeks.”

“Mmhm. And… That’s a problem?”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Yeah, it is.”

“You’re no fun.”

“I will be in a second,” Eddie tells him, working on taking off both of their clothes.

“You better be,” the Joker mutters. 

“You can get out soon. It’ll be just like last time so you already know what to do. Just wait eight days.”

“Oh goody. I’ll be sure to mark that on my special calendar. So… How many prostitutes will that be?” As if the Joker’s resigned to killing them as a special favor to Eddie. As if he has to do it. Maybe he does. 

Eddie tells himself he’s doing this only as a favor to the desperate married men of Gotham, but it’s a complete and utter lie. “None,” he decides and hurriedly adds: “The way I see it, they’re hardly ever worth the money they want. Besides, I broke your face and you had a shitty week. You can wait eight days and so can I.”

The Joker’s more enthusiastic after that. Not very focused and not very interested in keeping still, but more enthusiastic. Eight days isn’t a big commitment except that Eddie doesn’t remember ever offering to wait for anyone for more than an hour in his life. He doesn’t say anything much after that. Either the Joker knows or he doesn’t. Eddie hopes he doesn’t have a clue. 

Half an hour turns into an hour, which turns into two hours. They don’t even have much sex. He’s too wound up and too angry and the Joker’s too spacey to do much besides laugh a lot when they’re both left unsatisfied. Eddie smokes instead, and lets the Joker sleep with his head in his lap for about an hour and a half. 

After that, Eddie does that he’s supposed to do. It’s only eight days. A number he has to keep repeating to the other man until they get to the station. And it’s not even a big deal. It’s only some psycho clown he shouldn’t even be around for more than five seconds at a time let alone fuck. Eddie knows that, but it doesn’t make handing the Joker over to MCU any easier.

**Author's Note:**

> Crazy Quilt's an old Batman villain. I picked his name because it was amusing to me.


End file.
